Am I belong with broken home? a broken family? Should I cry? sob? hysteric? Honestly, I never heard Mom and Pop fight. He's my tutor every after my class. We had a REAL family then. I really don't know what happened. I'm so puzzled and confused. Why he'd leave. As I remember, it was in my elementary years when we parted. Now, I'm in college, we just see each other because of his financial support, or if he had to give us our monetary allowance. I don't know why this became our set-up, but I already accept the fact that he didn't want us to be together anymore. Many are asking, but I reverse and refuse to answer them. There's so many rumors I heard from the people around. Infidelity, financial issues, parenting issues, dealings with inlaws etc. I just covered my ears, pretend to be deaf. I don't want pity or mercy! I just want them to understand and respect my decision! As how I respect other's decision towards something. That not all the time, if I had problems, I must run to them. For this one, I just want to take it in private and ALONE! That's it.
Have they seen me cry? sob? hysteric? lament? I think NO. NOT YET. NEVER. I never showed people that I cry because of that issue. I neither talk about it, even my husband, we rarely discussed it. He respect my silence. Though we discuss it but it happens once in a blue moon, and its not that detailed. There's a family whose friend of mine that I adore them, they're not that rich, but I envy them. I know, I know. It's bad to feel like this. I'm just a human. A human made with feelings to be hurt. Imagine, they had a mother, siblings, and take note, a FATHER, a real FATHER. He's strict with his children's life yet he can jive as well, but still with authority and respect. Oh! Before I forget. He's an occasional drinker which I think natural for guys who is work-a-holic. But good thing, he never forget his responsiblity among his family. I wish I had one. I hope I can find one, it may be not for me, but I wish it for my daughter.
Am I angry because I don't have one? I really don't know. In fact- I removed that idea in my vocabulary. So I really don't know what it means. What is it for. Why should we have one. We're a family even if we don't have it right? It doesn't deserve my time. I don't want to waste my time with issues that doesn't deserve my attention. There's so many things I have to do. Be a mother. A student. A wife. A daughter. I'm too preoccupied to think about it. Non-sense topic I thought. But as time went by, I feel lackings, a lack that is needed to be filled by someone. I really don't know. Longing for a FATHER? Goodness! I'm alienated by this feeling. It put the hell out of me. I felt that I'm hungry with a love of someone like it. I'm thirsty with the benefit other's had because they had one. I envy kids who are blessed with it.
My subconscious asked me, "What if he will come back? Are you going to forgive then forget? Are you ready for acceptance? My answer? "Is that going to happen? Really? I don't think so, but I'm still hoping. I don't know. I really don't know. Whatever happens, I know God will provide and He will never ever leave us like anyone else did. Next question Please."
He is perfect with his imperfections. Even if he doesn't have the powers of Superman. Even if he doesn't have the strength of Hercules. Even if he doesn't have the coolness of Edward Cullen. Even if He doesn't have the hotness of Christian Grey. Even if he doesn't have the voice of Justin Bieber. Even if he's not wealthy as Bill Gates. Or anyone with majestic traits. But he is above those guys, in his own way, as my beloved father. I love you so much Papa. Still.
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