A Missing Piece in Me

Am I belong with broken home? a broken family? Should I cry? sob? hysteric? Honestly, I never heard Mom and Pop fight. He's my tutor every after my class. We had a REAL family then. I really don't know what happened. I'm so puzzled and confused. Why he'd leave. As I remember, it was in my elementary years when we parted. Now, I'm in college, we just see each other because of his financial support, or if he had to give us our monetary allowance. I don't know why this became our set-up, but I already accept the fact that he didn't want us to be together anymore. Many are asking, but I reverse and refuse to answer them. There's so many rumors I heard from the people around. Infidelity, financial issues, parenting issues, dealings with inlaws etc. I just covered my ears, pretend to be deaf. I don't want pity or mercy! I just want them to understand and respect my decision! As how I respect other's decision towards something. That not all the time, if I had problems, I must run to them. For this one, I just want to take it in private and ALONE! That's it.

Have they seen me cry? sob? hysteric? lament? I think NO. NOT YET. NEVER. I never showed people that I cry because of that issue. I neither talk about it, even my husband, we rarely discussed it. He respect my silence. Though we discuss it but it happens once in a blue moon, and its not that detailed. There's a family whose friend of mine that I adore them, they're not that rich, but I envy them. I know, I know. It's bad to feel like this. I'm just a human. A human made with feelings to be hurt. Imagine, they had a mother, siblings, and take note, a FATHER, a real FATHER. He's strict with his children's life yet he can jive as well, but still with authority and respect. Oh! Before I forget. He's an occasional drinker which I think natural for guys who is work-a-holic. But good thing, he never forget his responsiblity among his family. I wish I had one. I hope I can find one, it may be not for me, but I wish it for my daughter.

Am I angry because I don't have one? I really don't know. In fact- I removed that idea in my vocabulary. So I really don't know what it means. What is it for. Why should we have one. We're a family even if we don't have it right? It doesn't deserve my time. I don't want to waste my time with issues that doesn't deserve my attention. There's so many things I have to do. Be a mother. A student. A wife. A daughter. I'm too preoccupied to think about it. Non-sense topic I thought. But as time went by, I feel lackings, a lack that is needed to be filled by someone. I really don't know. Longing for a FATHER? Goodness! I'm alienated by this feeling. It put the hell out of me. I felt that I'm hungry with a love of someone like it. I'm thirsty with the benefit other's had because they had one. I envy kids who are blessed with it.

My subconscious asked me, "What if he will come back? Are you going to forgive then forget? Are you ready for acceptance? My answer? "Is that going to happen? Really? I don't think so, but I'm still hoping. I don't know. I really don't know. Whatever happens, I know God will provide and He will never ever leave us like anyone else did. Next question Please."

He is perfect with his imperfections. Even if he doesn't have the powers of Superman. Even if he doesn't have the strength of Hercules. Even if he doesn't have the coolness of Edward Cullen. Even if He doesn't have the hotness of Christian Grey. Even if he doesn't have the voice of Justin Bieber. Even if he's not wealthy as Bill Gates. Or anyone with majestic traits. But he is above those guys, in his own way, as my beloved father. I love you so much Papa. Still.

Book Review: The faces of Good and Evil- The Devil and Miss Prym by Paulo Coelho

“Life begins with B and ends with D. All is matter is C. Life begins with birth and ends with death. All it matters is choice.”

This is what The Devil and Miss Prym wants to emphasize to its readers. Choosing the right decision and prepare for its consequences. Paulo Coelho, also known as Paul Rabbit, is a Brazilian lyricist and novelist who was born on August 24, 1947 in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. In his teenage life, Coelho wanted to become a writer but his parents are against him. His parents committed him to a mental institution and enrolled him in law school. He also lived a life as a hippie and started travelling in South America, North Africa, Mexico, and Europe and he started using drugs during 1960s. Coelho also became a songwriter and a composer. In the turning point of his life, Coelho walked the 500 plus mile Road of Santiago de Compostela in Northern Spain and on the path, Coleho had his spiritual awakening which he described in “The Pilgrimage” autobiographically and he used his novel, “The Alchemist” as a metaphor in fulfilling his dreams as a writer.

For his another novel, “The Devil and Miss Prym” is a sign of his success as an author. To start up the story, Old Berta always spent every day of her life sitting outside her front door, waiting for the devil to come, as her deceased husband prefigured. Berta has an ability to see ghosts, angels and devils inside people, which her people came to a conclusion that she’s a witch. Her waiting came to an end when one day, a stranger appear to their remote village Viscos and stayed there for one week. In the forest and no one knows, the stranger buried his eleven (11) gold bars and way back home. The first person he saw is the village’s young and beautiful waitress, Miss Chantal Prym. Chantal is bored with her life, every day she always does the same thing with the same route, people and scenery. She tried to seduce her customers thinking that one of them can help her escape his boring life in their village. Her life changed when the stranger showed her his eleven gold bars and promised that it will be given to the villagers only if they kill one of them. The stranger is in persecution of his ghosts from the past and desperate to find answer in his question, are the people in the essence of good or evil? Deep inside Chantal, there is a battle between her angel and her devil. She even thought of stealing the gold bars for she could use them as an escape, but something seizes her back. Days passed, she decided to tell to her villagers what the stranger has proposed but she’s in fear for the people would not believe her. As an act of selfishness and desperation, Chantal plans to abandon Viscos with one of the stranger’s gold bars. Fulfilling her plans in the forest, fate sends a rogue wolf and threatens Chantal’s life. But the stranger was there and saved her life. On the other hand, the villagers brought together to choose their victim. The victim is Berta. For Berta is already old and serves no purpose in their village. They let them Berta drink a tablet that can make her sleep and the people will shoot her in the villages square. But before the villagers shoot a peaceful body of Berta, Chantal came to the square and talk to her people. She let them realize that under no circumstances murder is justified, our deeds are just a matter of control and choice.

The Psychoanalytic theory of Sigmund Freud proposed the idea of people having conscious and unconscious minds. In every dream of characters, it expresses their secret desires and anxieties in the story. These desires and anxieties may reflect on the past experiences of the writer. In the struggles of the stranger, it symbolizes the suffering and sacrifices of Paulo Coelho in achieving his dreams in life. From Chantal Prym, the stranger, Berta and down to the people of Viscos, their desires and needs drive their lives even they were not aware of.

 Chantal Prym is fighting a battle inside her that no one knows, the battle between her angel and devil. In Freud’s theory, human’s personality structure are divided into three layers namely the id, ego and super ego. Chantal tried to steal the stranger’s gold that was hidden in the forest and she seduces her customers for it is her way of escaping in her boring life at Viscos. In that situation, it is the id that led her to those circumstances. Id includes person’s desires and needs for it performs the first principle of life and that is the pleasure principle. In every decisions of id, ego serves as the rational or conscious part wherein it leads id according the demand of the society, turning every disadvantages into non destructive decision. While the superego, maintains the balance between the id and ego and acts as a guide to the behavior of every person. As Chantal balanced, in stealing the gold bars, people might think that Chantal robbed her guest in the hotel and she could be humiliated and ruined, everything could turn badly.

 Freud’s Psychoanalysis employs a lot of imagery and symbols (Scott, n.d) which is definitely inside the story. The stranger who arrives in the village of Viscos represents the devil inside him that shook the head of every individual in Viscos. This evil shows the tragedies and sufferings of every person which could turn him into a pervert one, unconsciously. While Berta, the first one to know the stranger’s arrival in their village but was judged as a witch of her people. She’s quiet and alone in her house but the people of Viscos chose her a victim in exchange of the gold bars. The people of Viscos didn’t saw her worth and they we’re all unconscious about the consequences of their plan.

 As the people of Viscos gathered in the place ready to shot Berta, a female voice shouts from the crowd. It was Chantal Prym. The only one who took a stand to make a change. As Viscos is already in its moment of decline, its place and its people. But once it had a wise and glorious past. The meeting between St. Savin and Ahab, the Viscos’ ancestors, Ahab is the wickedest bandit who killed hundreds of people. One day, St. Savin who used to live in the caves, decided to sleep with Ahab. Aware with the reputation of each other, before going to bed, Ahab was determined to challenge the saint so he asked him questions, what if that night; the most beautiful prostitute came to their place. Would he be able to see her as neither beautiful nor seductive? What if he was sought by two brothers, one of them hates him and the other saw him as a saint, would he be able to feel the same towards them both? With all the questions that Ahab asked, St. Savin got only one and simple answer, it would be very hard for him but he would be able to control himself sufficiently to treat them both the same. That St. Savin would be able to control to himself. Without any explanation of his answers, Ahab got the point of St. Savin to his answers and that he and St. Savin are just the same –good and evil have the same faces. In every decision they make, everyone are capable of doing evil or good things. Everything lies on control and choice. In the morning, Ahab cried out and gave up all his bad deeds and surrendered himself into Christianity.

 Chantal looked back for the last time at their village, everything is settled for the stranger signed all the documents needed to transfer the gold bars into Chantal’s name. No one knows Chantal is about to leave except for Berta. Chantal did not notice how better she became after what happened to their village. To the last goodbye of Chantal, Berta said to her that life can seem very long or very short, according to how she lives it.

 No matter what kind of suffering a person is in, everything depends on the person’s choice that can make things worst or better. In every way we behave in different place and in front of different people, it all relies on control. The fact that it is a modern fiction, Coelho’s novel deals with people’s interactions with people, objects to its community. It lets it readers analyze the actions of every character in the story. The Devil and Miss Prym open doors of opportunities to see the different side of goodness and evilness of every person, without any biased opinions.

A Diversion of Delight (Mother and Child Together)

♫♪♫ I love you, You love me, Were a happy family, with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, won't you say you love me too. Everytime I hear this song, it makes me sing. Wow! ♫♪♫

I can say that its not a total hobby or pastime as such, like watching television, hiking, shopping, net surfing, goggling Facebook for hours, bar hopping or the likes. But as a mother, take note, a full-time mother. It will be a part of your daily routine, especially if she's an only child. My daughter is sweet as a candy, indeed, she used to kiss me every morning if she woke up first than I was. When we're together, we usually place ourselves in front of the television while watching barney show, it makes me smile everytime she dances with barney's songs. If there's a thing that I don't want to do, it is to dance! But when my daughter pull me out in my seat to stand and dance with Barney, I began to like it though, because I just only need to clap, stump my feet and shout hooray. Ahh. Ok, I am really trying hard. . .

♫♪♫ If your happy and you know it, clap your hands, If your happy and you know it, stump your feet, If your happy and you know it, shout hooray. ♫♪♫

 I usually indulge myself playing with my daughter. We play hide-and-seek, I'm the one who will look for her, then she hid at the back of our door, or under a pillow, her favorite place to hide, I don't know why. As I found her, yeah, as always, she grinned and laughed showing her teeth. Wow. A very wonderful sound. An innocent laughter. Very expensive yet rare, and it can never be bought from anywhere else.

We play "habulan". I tickle her to the fullest when I caught her. Again, a wonderful tune to my ears everytime she laughed. We eat together whatever food I was craving for that day. Usually it was sweets, Oh! I forgot, Fishballs dipped in sweet sauce. We share Fishballs! Actually, because of fishballs, I saw my daughter's other side. She didn't want to share with me. Selfishness, So creepy. I know, I should change that trait while she's young.

Presently, if I don't have classes, I always make sure that we must have a mother-daughter bond. It was fun playing with my daughter, I am in oblivion when I'm with her. She relieves my stress, I forget those problems. She's my strength and inspiration to go on, when everything fails. When I felt bad to someone, especially to my husband, she makes me smile a bit even if I'm not feeling well. If time comes that I can afford, I promise to myself, I will bring her to a real Barney or a Disney show, I know she will like it. I want to give her the best gift that a kid may deserve. Maybe in Smart-Araneta Coliseum. Yah, a mother wanted her child to be in the seventh heaven, as always.

Memoir: An Episode to Remember

What is the essence of being a woman? It was the question for crowned Miss Universe 1994, Sushmita Sen of India. Then she answered, "Just being a woman is God's gift that all of us must appreciate. The origin of a child is a mother, and is a woman. She shows a man what sharing, caring and loving is all about. That is the essence of a woman. "

I strongly agreed and I do loved her answer, but practically speaking, I thought that response only suits for a woman who is career stable and mature enough to face the consequences of motherhood. Well, how about if  You're not like what I've mentioned above? You never had a mother trait inside you? Instead, you're happy-go-lucky female, inserious with your stress-free life (except for some sort of schoolworks that made you serious a bit). Just living your life for your own sake, because you're not committed to anyone. Unprepared for any obstacles, let me say, your too weak and vulnerable for pain physically and emotionally. You probably ended up running and screaming for hills if problem arises.

For goodness sake! That's me! BUT wait! (There's a big contradiction) Those qualities of mine changes as time goes by. My subconscious slapped me and said "Hey! You'll be a mother soon! Change! As soon as possible! If you don't want that living creature suffering in your hands! Then, I answered "I'm not prepared yet." "So, if you're unprepared why did you do that one word-three letters thing!. I just sighed. "Ok, enough arguing with you. From now on, I'll try to the best I can to nurture my child. Change may not happen in a snap of a finger, but I will do it slowly but surely".

I carried a life inside me for nine months. Just to share with you, I just discovered that I'm pregnant in my 6th month. I'm in Second year college, Second semester by that time. In fact- nobody notice that I'm preggy even my closest friends inside the school and even myself. They just notice that I'm getting fat and some mood swings when we were together, but they thought that it was just a part of being me. Not knowing that I'm already pregnant.

My Tita Lyn already knew it, she's a nurse actually, but she just need a confirmation from me and an Ob-Gyne. She respected my silence. She remained silent as time passes, but by May 7, 2013(in celebration with my 81st Grandma's birthday), someone broke the silence. Goodness! I didn't expect that my uncle Manny will be the one who informed everyone that I'm pregnant. According to him, someone gossiped the information, he didn't named name but I knew who she was. She's a staff in the hotdog stand owned by my cousin(uncle Manny's eldest son). So, when my boyfriend, Aiver and I came home from Recto station because I worked for my cousin doing the inventory in his hotdog business. My grandma, hugged me and said "Don't worry, were here. Don't cry apo. Aiver, What are your plans now? And it's best to arrange your life now as a parent. Sheena, go to an OB-Gyne tomorrow. There's no way to change it. What done is done. So, let that be."

 It was a mind boggling night. To the fact that, I had a week of tearful days and sleepless nights. The fact that nobody recognized me at home, as if I wasn't existing. Good thing, My grandma was still there to guide and talk to me. Aiver was also beside me, when he's off to work. Then mom eventually, realized that I need her. I knew how hard it is to accept my mistake, but, I promise that I would finish my studies, despite of such circumstance. It may be the best gift she will ever had. I know.

Then in my last trimester of pregnancy, I didn't pursue my school, I should be in third year college by then, but our family encouraged me to leave school just for a while, and get back if I already recovered with my delivery. Maybe, the thought that, I may labor or bleed in school, whoa! Creepy. So, I agreed because they have the point, they're just worried in my situation. They also knew that I don't have the strong personality to face judgments among those eyes who can see.

I carried a life inside me for nine months. During those days, I experienced many wonderful and sometimes challenging moments of pregnancy. I undergone weird symptoms such as cravings, emotional sensitivity. I have a Do-list here: Visit my OB-Gyne monthly and undergo certain vaccinations for a safer and stronger pregnancy. I should take my vitamins religously. Wear maternity dresses. Drink plenty of fluids. Salty, fatty, artificially-flavored and preservative-laden foods should be avoided or taken in moderation. It seems very hard at first, but eventually I overcame it with some help from my love ones. My husband filled a storage cabinet with plenty of fruits, healthy biscuits, and powdered milk for pregnant moms, in exchange for "killer foods".

Time really flies fast and indeed, by 8:00 in the evening of September 03, 2012 I labored. It lasted for 10 hours, the feeling was indescribable. I feel pain all over my body, there's a painful contraction inside my womb. I felt discomfort along my back and abdomen. There's a feeling of something will fall between my legs. I kept crying, jumping, and shouting that it hurts. Rightaway, I was rush in the hospital. By 2:04 in the morning of September 04, 2012, I heard someone crying. Oh! my baby was born then I fell asleep. Praise God! I undergone a normal delivery, and I am still alive and kicking. (There's a folk expression that in each pregnancy, one of the woman's foot is in the grave).

♥ Dear God, Thank you so much for your grace.

When I woke up, I can't describe the feeling when my husband brought that pink creature beside my bed, I don't know. Mixed emotions maybe; fulfillment, happiness. everything. I really don't know. We named her Chantal Vienne. Chantal came after from a fictitious character in a book entitled, "The Devil and Miss Prymm" by Paolo Coehlo. While, Vienne came from the jumbled letters of her father. Here, Right now, because of my little angel, I was enlightened that conceiving a child is life's most precious gift for a mother.